Recent Comments

7/14/21, 5:04 PM
Things are getting complex, let see how it goes
7/13/21, 10:09 PM
What a twist! No spoilers from me.

7/14/21, 4:50 PM
@Cutlerfan I'm glad people are sticking with me on this journey. What will happen next?
7/14/21, 12:42 AM
Hey man - cool and exciting concept here. I found it a little difficult to follow at times though, and it kind of held me at arm's length from the story as I put more energy on following the events than enjoying them. Three things jumped out at me in particular: 1) Long paragraphs are tiring for the eye to follow when staring at a screen. Consider breaking them up into smaller chunks. 2) Attention to detail. For instance, I think it was the third challenge where you said it was the second challenge. Or the final challenge when Percy got to choose the category because he won the previous challenge - except he had actually lost it. Plus some typos. This needed an extra read-through to catch little things like that. (And I say this as someone who edits and tweaks my own stories after publication *all the damn time* because I think I caught everything, but alas, I did not). 3) Alternate ways of describing things. You used mostly visual language, like what it the transformation would look like to an outside observer. Consider adding what it feels like to the target of the transformation, or what their emotional state/inner thoughts are. This would add some variety and help the reader really connect with the reality you're working to create. I'd love to see this continued, as it's a concept that really works for me. Good luck in the contest, and hopefully we'll see chapters 2, 3 and beyond in the future!

7/14/21, 1:57 PM
@Noam de Pluma This very well maybe the best feedback I think I have read so far. Not only do you tell me what went well in my attempt but you also tell me where I may consider improving. I really appreciate this feedback as well as other feedback. I am usually attempting to polish my writing while also doing my best work. I don't know if there will be other chapters but I also don't know there wont be others.
7/14/21, 12:06 PM
Hey, I just wanted you to know that I still read your series. I think the premise is amazing. I hope we'll get to read more in the future.
7/14/21, 10:46 AM
This is brilliant work, and it's unusual that we see the straight-to-gay trope played on the mind controller as well as the people he controls! I do hope we get to see Robert put in his place though. That was, uh, really hot.
7/14/21, 7:39 AM
more
7/14/21, 6:05 AM
Ha, ha! Ahhhhh, so good. I love your dumb horny ape-men stories!
7/14/21, 3:56 AM
I'd love to be that daddy bear.
7/14/21, 3:34 AM
I hope you have Max mind control Aaron more!
7/14/21, 2:21 AM
love! just like pete's story